As a college student, you might call yourself a beer connoisseur. From Natty Light to Budweiser, you think you’ve seen it (and drank it) all. But we know that there are some beers you will never be able to add to your repertoire, no matter how badly you want to. We’ve made a list, ranked worst to best, of the most popular fictional beers ever. Have we ever tried them? Well no, but we can promise that this list is accurate. Just admit it, you’re curious to try them too.
1. Pabst Blue Robot – Futurama
Starting off our list as the absolute WORST beer ever, is Pabst Blue Robot. This beer, if you could even call it that, is a direct parody of the actual brand, Pabst Blue Ribbon. How do we know it’s so bad if we’ve never tried it? Well the real PBR is trash, so the futuristic one is probably not any better. Plus, we’re pretty sure it’s made of motor oil. You know, robots and all.
2. Pißwasser – Grand Theft Auto IV
Pißwasser (pronounced pissvasser) tastes exactly how it sounds…like piss water. I guess we couldn’t really expect much more from a game where the goal is to steal cars, rob people, and stab random, unsuspecting prostitutes. It’s a hard pass from us.
3. Girlie Girl Beer – Married With Children
Okay, we are definitely offended. If you don’t remember the show, basically this beer was chosen by Al Bundy (the main character) to be the official beer of his anti-feminist club called NO MA’AM. The beer features an image of a “girlie-girl” who is not trying to get in the way of the men. Can we get a huge eye-roll for neanderthal “bros”?
4. Bendeery English Ale – Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.
This beer is low down on our list because, well, it’s boring. It doesn’t show up much, and its origin story is even more blah. The name Bendeery comes from a good friend of Actor Nick Blood (the guy who plays Lance Hale in the movie), Ben Deery. That’s it, snooze fest.
5. Fudd Beer – The Simpsons
No, we don’t mean Duff Beer. We mean its direct competitor, and the most popular beer in the fictional town over from Springfield, Spittle County. We put this beer down low on the list because of a tiny little issue. It makes people blind. Moe (the bartender at Moe’s Tavern) wondered out loud why there was a Fudd Beer in his bar and that he’d thought all Fudd Beer had been banned “after all those hillbillies went blind”.
6. Heifer Beer – Bob’s Burgers
We don’t know how the food in Bob’s Burgers actually tastes, but to be honest, it doesn’t look too promising. So, the same definitely goes for the beer. Heifer Beer looks like a pretty standard, cheap beer. If you want to get drunk, it will definitely get the job done, but it won’t be pleasant.
7. Koul Brau – DC Comics
The world of DC Comics is a dark one, and that goes for their beer as well. Koul Brau Brewery started off in New-Mexico as a subsidiary of the infamous LexCorp (you know, Lex Luther’s company). The actual brewery is located in Gotham itself, in a section called coventry. If the beer follows the theme of DC Comics at all, it is gloomy at best. At least you’ll be buzzed while thinking about how miserable your life is in Gotham City.
8. Aspen Beer – Alien
Thank god Aspen Beer was around for the people in the movie Alien, after seeing with all the stuff they had to deal with (yes, we are referring to THAT scene). The beer is brewed by Weyland-Yutani (aka The Company) and is featured in a few scenes throughout the movie. It’s futuristic beer, so we’re guessing they’ve had some technological advancements that make the beverage taste better.
9. Stelberg – Shameless
Look, we know that Frank is a hot mess (to say the least) but you’ve got to admit, the man knows his alcohol. Stelberg Louis seems like a pretty good beer actually, and it comes all the way from Belgrade. In fact, it claims to be Belgrade’s original beer from the year 1334.
10. Beer – Southpark
Just because Southpark’s “Beer” is simple, doesn’t mean it’s no good. Just like the show’s subtle stabs at different aspects of our society and all of its flaws, Beer is the subtle, simple reminder of our own faults and shortcomings. Just go with it.
11. Hammerstein – Two and a Half Men
“You like what you see, and you like what you hear. Have a cold frosty mug and pull her near…The girls look prettier with Hammerstein beer.” These are the almost-charming lyrics Charlie Harper (aka Charlie Sheen) wrote for the Hammerstein Beer commercial. It’s a catchy jingle and a pretty good tasting beer.
12. Jekyll Island Lager – Dexter
Jekyll Island lager is one of the 3 beer/beverage types made by the brewing company (others include a red ale and a nonalcoholic root beer. Unlike the actual Jekyll Island, located off the Coast of Georgia in the United States, Jekyll Island Brewing Company is located in the Caribbean. Jekyll Island Lager is a quality beer. How do we know? Because it appears across multiple fictional universes including Dexter, Community, New Girl, Lost, and more.
13. Fielding Beer – Mad Men
Don Draper would never be caught DEAD drinking a less-than-extraordinary alcoholic beverage, and that’s why we trust him fully to recommend this beer to us. No, it’s not his usual bourbon straight (not even ice, ew), but even Don could use a nice cold beer every once in a while.
14. Dharma Initiative Beer – Lost
When you are stranded on a mysterious island where crazy, unexplainable things are happening all the time and you don’t know how long you will survive, the best possible outcome is that mysterious cans of unexpired beer start popping up all over the place.That’s exactly why Dharma Initiative Beer is basically our oasis, and we place it very highly on our list and in our hearts.
15. Alderaanian Ale – Star Wars
Not only is Alderaanian ale the prized favorite of one Han Solo, but it is also an extremely rare and sought-after beverage that anyone would be lucky to drink. According to the Star Wars movie series, the ale is made from special, super fragrant grains that no longer exist on the planet Alderaan, though they were once native there.
16. Butterbeer – Harry Potter
Everyone who has ever been obsessed with Harry Potter is dying to try Butterbeer. Butterbeer is served all over the Wizarding world, both at school and Hogsmeade, and is described as having a taste similar to butterscotch. It can be drunk cold or warm, and it may or may not have enough alcohol to get the house elves drunk. Why were they serving it to children? We don’t know, nor do we care. All we know is that we want some…NOW.
17. Romulan ale – Star Trek
Romulan ale can be spotted from literally miles away by its bright blue color, which can range from light blue to dark. Apparently, the drink is EXTREMELY strong, and even the strongest Klingon has trouble holding his liquor when drinking it. It’s so strong a substance that it was actually illegal for many years, although fleets from thousands of lightyears ahead of the Federation were able to snag some. We’re a little scared to drink it, but we must try.
18. Monkeyshine Beer – Friends
Monkeyshine Beer has totally won when it comes to marketing. Their commercial, as seen on an episode of Friends, includes a beautiful Capuchin monkey alongside some beautiful ladies in bikinis.
19. Pawtucket Patriot – Family Guy
Good old Pawtucket Pat and his New England beer. Not only does the Pawtucket Brewery provide our friend and neighbor Peter Griffin with a job, it also gives him a reason to be proud of his heritage, which he drinks copious amounts of at The Drunken Clam with his friends. It’s an all-around good time for all…except maybe Louis.
20. Duff Beer – The Simpsons
Coming in at #1 on our list of fictional beers is the one and only Duff Beer, Homer Simpson’s favorite. Duff has become a household name in the real world for over 30 years, so it certainly deserves the number one spot. There’s no denying it, we “Can’t Get Enough of That Wonderful Duff”.
The list should include the Drew Carey Show’s Buzz Beer, with the tagline “It throws up smooth.”